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Monday, December 28th, 2009
4:32 pm
Hold time.
Hold in the tears, hold temptations
Wait for just the right moment to arrive
To arrive in the palm of my hand

Winter, a stinging death
Dawns in frigged faire
Your arms no longer a reprieve
My disdain is the setting sun
Your reasons linger.

My last breath taken under the stars
Where you mix your blood with chocolate
Desolate, so empty of a world
But stronger without your words

Let my foreign tongue confuse you
With algorithms and compositions
Resolutions and justifications
Complications, Deprivations.

So allow me dear sir,
To weave my reasons for departure.

current mood: uncomfortable

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Monday, April 6th, 2009
10:28 pm - Writer's Block: Grab and Go
Scenario: For exactly 1 minute, you get access to all the databases of all the intelligence agencies in the world (CIA, FBI, KGB, MI-5, etc). What do you want to find out before time is up and you're caught and jailed forever?

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Sunday, April 5th, 2009
6:14 pm
 The sky, a faint white light
Linger on me, rain down on me
Into the tears of my eyes.

Let me fall upon the rocks
As we gaze upon each other
Like children in love, lost forever in the innocence of youth.

Hold your breath.
Make a wish.
Become me as I become you
As we wish this is be forever real.

Kiss my lips so I know you are real
Beneath this beacon of light
The haze of fallen rain unfearful
In the shadows of the broken trees.

Your eyes pierce mine
Black against the blue trees
The flashes of bright green light.
To the red light we will find peace.
Follow you love.
I will follow.

Fall down, and pull me.
I will follow you, into eternal darkness
Our blood mixing and steaming upon the fresh dew
My body, one last time collapsed above yours.

Let them find us.
Let them come and see what we've done.
But the worse is over
Forever we will love. 



current mood: sad

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Sunday, October 5th, 2008
10:56 pm - Today He Said...
That my tummy is flatter and that my legs have "just the right amount of tone." I feel so sexy and incredible knowing that after only one week of relatively minimal effort I have successfully turned the one head that I care about.

Finally, it seems that I am "better." My journey to perfection has officially started after too long of a wait!

current mood: accomplished

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Monday, August 11th, 2008
2:24 am - Tomorrow.
Right now, everything starts in 6 minutes. Dramatic, I know.

I'm getting flashbacks to the time I was younger...when I decided for the first time to take this long journey without looking back.

I feel the crisp, clean autumn air, the violent chill, the crazy outfits with fish nets..

It's all coming back to me.

I will remember.

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Sunday, August 10th, 2008
3:47 pm - Why Me?
I'm sitting here..thinking, loathing, reflecting/retrospecting..

Why did I used to have so much strength as a younger child? Now that I am mature, I'm too weak to even think about my goals for more than a week. I am too concerned with the opinions of others, the expected compliments, the attention I usually crave. Deep down, I crave only to please myself. Why is it that I cannot ever please myself?

1) The concern of others' opinions:
I am told I never need to lose weight. I've always been "thin," and "pretty." I hate both of those adjectives. They aren't true, and I need to consistently remind myself of this fact in order to ensure my consistency.

2) Negative thoughts:
I somehow subconsciously tell myself that I will never be successful in my plans. I tell myself that I will not last and that I will be tempted. WHY? There's no reason to keep telling myself that I need to start tomorrow when I can start RIGHT NOW. I can start NOW and be happy even after TWO DAYS of restrictions.

3) Not rewarding myself:
When I get three days into my goal, I should reward myself with something that I LOVE. Like dressing extra pretty or doing my nails or having a fun adventure with my boyfriend. Why don't I do this?

4) Working too hard:
My jobs make me depressed. I work 13 hours a day and then just want to retreat to my house and binge to take away my stress. I need to stop spending so it doesn't require this amount of work to save. I need to start realizing that if I'm too tired, it's okay to take off. It's okay to take a break. I cannot sacrifice myself for money any longer. I'd rather be thin than rich. Rich people are always fat, anyways.

5) Trying to compete with my boyfriend's friends:
I possess intelligence. I need to work on my intellectual being as well as my physical being so that I do not put too much pressure on myself to be just "good looking." There are other things about me that should impress others. I should start piano lessons soon once again.

6) Making false deadlines:
Just start now. For no reason. I want to stop being fat and I don't need to "WOW" people at any moment. I just want to WOW myself. Fuck everyone else.

current mood: apathetic

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Sunday, May 27th, 2007
10:55 am - Today.
I can't even step into a pair of capri's today...a pair that ultimately looked nice on me a few weeks back.

I give up on this completely. Fuck it all.

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Monday, June 26th, 2006
12:42 pm - I want out.
Didn't binge, probably lost A pound last week, if I'm lucky.

I want out of my house. I HATE it here. I'm trying to figure out a way to make payments on my parents' car so that I have something to drive myself, and then try to find an apartment.

Goal one:
LEARN HOW TO DO MY OWN LAUNDRY.

Goal two:
figure out car payments.

Goal three:
change my verizon plan so I can get unlimited text messaging.

Goal four:
If comfortable with my day job, find something for nights/weekends.

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Thursday, January 12th, 2006
3:32 pm
I've been eating more than I usually would, not gaining, not losing.

My skinny jeans are fine on me.
I'm working out.

I'm eating low fat foods, exercising, drinking water, eating only when I'm hungry until I am full.
Whole grains, lean protien.

This is good for me, I need metabolism,
I need to live.

I need to feel good, and live.
No more fucking calorie counting. I've gotten mad skinny like this last summer--I can do it again.

And I will.

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Friday, December 23rd, 2005
2:00 pm
I stopped counting calories because I have no idea how many I consume. I just try to eat things low in fat, or just try and see if I can get away with eating nothing at all. I feel fat, nonetheless. I need more discipline on myself.

I don't work out anymore because I'm so tired and depressed.

I just want to be left alone.

current mood: pessimistic

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1:40 pm - Time is too fast.
Honest to God, I'm depressed.

I can't eat--I'd rather sleep all day or cry. I really don't know what's wrong with me, but time is moving too fast.

I keep trying to avoid Christmas. I love to go to parties, but for some reason, I always feel like I'm on the outside. I physically see myself from above, as if my soul isn't really part of my body.

It used to be so hard to cry before, and now tears pour from my eyes. My average is a 3.9, and I feel as though I'm not trying hard enough. I feel pulled in every single direction, and I don't know WHO I am anymore I just want to always be someone else...in all respects PERFECT like someone else.

I used to think it'd all be okay. I can smile and laugh and play..I can eat like a normal person and have friends, but when it comes down to it,

I AM FAT.

That's all I can ever think about. I'm not good enough because I'm ugly. I go for too long without eating, and my body reaches a point of complete starvation. My head is spinning, vision blurry, speech slurred. This is how people die from eating disorders. My metabolism is so fucked up though my self-mutilation. My blood sugar fluctuates so much that I can't even sit in the front passenger seat without getting motion sickness.

I'm a mess and a disgrace. I feel like I'm always letting someone down.
How could he possibly love me?

I cry because I love him, and I'm afraid.

current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
12:38 pm - No more..please, no more.
Useless deadlines always warp my sense of reality
As I float endlessly in an endless sea of resentment.
Arms held tightly, please dimish my regret
And make me just once more content.

Wake me up, and tell me I'm alive.
This love you give steals hate from my eyes.
But the mirror's there and it shows me all your lies.
All alone, I wish death to my pride.

Can you kiss me?
Please feel my words before you can see.
In hot tears, fall down my face so gracefully
Onto ramblings of names I cannot be.

Wake me up, and tell me I'm alive.
This love you give steals hate from my eyes.
But the mirror's there and it shows me all your lies.
All alone, I wish death to my pride.

Don't let them take me away
For my life here is shorter after today.
I'm trying to erase depression with play
And ruin my self-destruction, you may.

Wake me up, and tell me I'm alive.
This love you give steals hate from my eyes.
But the mirror's there and it shows me all your lies.
All alone, I wish death to my pride.

current mood: confused

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Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
7:35 pm - Me one day.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

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Sunday, November 6th, 2005
10:41 pm - Lauren and Jess Monday Menu
Breakfast:
one apple
cup of green tea

Lunch:
yogurt
2 rice cakes
carrot stix

Dinner:
chicken/lean meat
veggies on the side

workout: kickboxing video/abs.

current mood: bitchy

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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
11:58 pm - Here's my game plan
WORK OUT EVERY NIGHT FOR ~30 MIN
(LIGHT WEIGHT TRAINING WITH CARDIO EVERY OTHER NIGHT)

1.) Breakfast:
A piece/serving of fruit and a half cup of fat free cottage cheese.
Yogurt with raisins.
Fat free cottage cheese, raisins, cinnamon.

2.) Lunch:
fat free yogurt, carrot sticks, 2 rice cakes.
fat free yogurt, apple sauce, 2 wasa crackers.
apple sauce, 2 wasa crackers, carrot sticks/piece of fruit.
--salad: lettuce, baby tomatoes, cucumbers, carrots, fat free dressing.

3.) Dinner:
lean protien and veggies.
--veggie burger on top of lettuce, cucumber, bean salad, tomatoes.
--tomato soup, side salad.

NO FOOD AFTER 8 PM.
8 GLASSES OF WATER PER DAY.
3-4 GLASS OF GREEN TEA PER DAY.

current mood: determined

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Monday, October 10th, 2005
5:41 pm
I think I'd rather stick to Dean Ornish's diet rather than counting calories. It's not practical, and it definitely stresses me out.

The two things that I have to pay attention to are:
1) limiting simple sugars for whole grains instead.
2) eating only when I'm truely hungry.

I have to continue with my rigorous exercise regimen, and by drinking tons of green and tea and water, I had to get rid of my disgusting water weight.

*sigh*
7 pounds to perfection. 5 pounds this week...(I hope).

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Friday, October 7th, 2005
12:17 pm - Updating is important for my ego..haha
I hate hiding all of this scary emotion for something that really doesn't matter to most people in the whole scheme of things.

I'm eating lunch..a feast of carrot sticks, raisins and a cup of fat free yogurt. Breakfast-much more of the same. Applesauce and cottage cheese. In a few short hours I need to chug down another mug of green tea.

In terms of exercising, I've been amazing. The weight isn't coming off because, naturally, I need to reduce my calorie intake. I've been eating so many times throughout the day just to keep me awake in class. I stopped drinking soda and smoking..so this plateu will surely subside within a week.

I MUST look good for next weekend. Full Moon Cafe and then H's party. Gotta look hot. More than hot...

current mood: calm

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Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
9:47 pm - I'm getting by.
I'm so surprised how I feel like I'm fitting in at school. I feel welcomed and comfortable with most of my peers, and I worry less about eating because there's never any time to!

Hah already I got caught up in liking someone...much regretted but hopefully will be avoidable. I'm celebrating an entire week without binging tomorrow. I'm proud of my progress as I do not deny myself food when I'm hungry. I prevent excessive hunger at all costs, and work out every single day. I stopped drinking diet soda and smoking with friends. At this point I don't even care if I lose weight, it's just the maintenance factor of resisting the binge. I feel so much better when I do not put all of those toxic chemicals in my body. I've gained another appreciation for the unity between body and mind.

I can't help but think of someone constantly. I don't want him to know about my eating disorder, but lying to him is so hard when he wants to take me out to eat for lunch. In fact, he insisted on paying for it, and all I could possibly think about was how fat it was making me. He could read it all over my face..I wasn't happy about it. I think, to some degree, he knows about it. I've hidden my problem from everyone but that one person I fell for before. This new someone, however, can never know.

It might come out next Friday at the Sigma party. I definitely hope not...but perhaps it is inevitable.

Work kicks ass. I've already accomplished a shitload in terms of getting on the residents' good side. I can clear tables fast, and remember orders without having to write them down.

I have a lot of homework to still complete, but I felt that an update was necessary. My freshman seminar book recommends journaling for sanity. I think it only contributes to my insanity.

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
8:39 pm - doing okay
breakfast:
energy cereal
skim milk
1/4 cup raisins

snapple

lunch:
turkey wrap
apple
pineapple chunks

dinner:
grilled veggies with ricotta
bean salad

snack:
apple
honey wheat pretzel stix

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Friday, September 9th, 2005
12:44 pm - I have to start being honest.
Last night I'd like to add that I ate two additional handfuls of pineapple, a few scoops of fat free ricotta and a sourdough pretzel. I get SO hungry when I study!

I'm glad to be on top of my homework though. It's a comforting thought to have some of my work due Monday completed already.

Eating-wise, I've been awesome today.

Breakfast: glass of skim milk

Lunch:
cup of fat free ricotta cheese
1/2 cup of spinach
cup spaghetti squash

Snack:
1 maple pudding
9 dried pineapple chunks
iced tea

Dinner:
vegetarian burrito

Snack:
banana
currants
cup of fat free ricotta cheese

current mood: cheerful

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